Soiled sheets

You won't believe this. No, really. I've been struggling with it myself all day today (and all night last night).

For those of you who don't know, I just got back from vacation in Denver. I was staying with my roommate's brother Lumpy, just hanging out, drinking, and hiking. Anyway, the day before I left home I spent all day cleaning up the house and doing laundry because there is nothing worse than coming home to a shithole after a week long party. Ya know what I mean? So my plane came in last night at midnight and Howie (my roommate) picked me up at the airport. After staying on a futon on the floor at Lumpy's, a week's worth of drinking, and 8 hours traveling, I was really looking forward to climbing into my nice, fresh, clean bed. I have a killer Tempur-pedic mattress that I often miss while I'm out of town. When we got home, I stumbled to my room with my duffel, got undressed, and pulled the sheets back to hit the sack. I had noticed when I walked in that my bed looked a bit tussled, but I really didn't give it much thought until the sheets came down. Looking into the linens, I was horrified, pissed, and disappointed all at the same time. Cum stains. Three or four of them right in the middle of my bed. What the fuck man. They weren't mine, I had just changed the sheets the day before I left and I didn't wax it or get laid that night. Then it hit me. Fucking Howie. Mother fucker. He'd come in, banged his girlfriend, nutted all over my bed, cleaned his junk with the towel hanging in my bathroom, and then... FUCK'N A... just pulled the comforter up and put the pillows back like nothing happened. I get sooo pissed just thinking about it. He could have thrown the sheets in the washer and no harm done. But NOOOOOOOO... he figured I wouldn't notice and that I could just sleep in his nutt for a week!!! What the fuck kind of friend is that?! Needless to say, I was up all night doing laundry, totally pissed off. Of course, when I told him in the morning how FUCKED UP I thought it was, he denied it. "Oh no dude, we didn't get in your bed. Just in the shower," he said. Oh really? I guess some homeless guy came in, nutted on my sheets, and then decided that the 50" plasma TV hanging in the living room was just too heavy to carry down to the pawn shop. You fucker. Then he offered to wash my sheets. Too late dude. It's not the fact that he was humping in my bed that is so irritating. That's cool dude. You got a piece of shit bed that falls to the floor when your doing the nasty, no problem. Go ahead, use my bed, BUT NUTT ON YOUR OWN GODDAMNED SHEETS OR AT LEAST WASH MINE WHEN YOUR DONE!!! That's really, really fucked up.

Moral of the story: Check your sheets everytime you get in them, because you never know what kind of sick fucker left a nutt in there for you.

I'm pissed.

Deer!!!

So Nolie, McLusky, TP, Hodgey, and I are on our way to the Smokey's for a backpacking trip. We've got all our shit packed in Nolie's truck and McLusky's car, and we are headed up I-95. Somewhere in South Carolina, at about 2 am, Nolan wakes me out of a daze by yelling, "SHIT!!" I look up just in time to see a rotting deer carcass laying in the headlights. We're traveling about 80 mph, and it's just too late to do anything but hope that the truck has enough ground clearance to avoid hitting it. Luckily for us, it did, but as we made a clean pass, we both looked back to see if McLusky would have the same luck. As we were watching, we saw McLusky's headlights swerve a bit, then launch into the air like The Duke's of Hazard in San Francisco. They managed to stay on the road and for the next 5 miles or so, Nolan and I thought that everything was alright. Then, as we approached an exit, the headlights on McLusky's car started flashing (the universal sign for "We need to; get something to eat/pee/get gas/stretch"). So we got off at the exit, pulled into the nearest gas station, parked the truck, and jumped out to stand up for a minute. As McLusky's car pulled into the parking lot, a horribly disgusting smell filled the air. At the time, Nolan and I thought that something had died behind the building, but as our boys' car pulled up and parked next to us we began gagging from the stench emanating from their vehicle. Even before the car stopped, all three doors opened and TP and Hodgey jumped out screaming, holding their noses, and ran from the car. McLusky did the same as soon as he got the engine turned off. None of us could stand to be within 50 feet of that thing, much less trapped inside with the heat on.

It turns out, that rotting deer corpse literally exploded when it caught the undercarriage of the car. When it got light out a few hours later, we found one of those "do it yourself" car washes and you would not believe the nastiness that came from the underside of McLusky's car. There was blood, pieces of skull, brains, fur.... no wonder it reeked. I don't know how those guys rode another 300 miles in that thing.

When we got home from the trip, McLusky had to sell the car. He traded it in at a dealership for a new VW. A couple of days later, they called him and asked about a strange odor coming from the vents when the AC was on. Heh heh. I'm glad I wasn't car shopping that day.

Moral of the story: Dead deer smell really, really bad. So don't hit one if you can avoid it.



Peace.

You've got to be kidding me

Would the world be humor free without stupid people?

This guy must have had severe brain damage to think that this was a good idea.

WTF were you thinking?

Peace.