My Dream Girl

Fitness Ad

Peace.

Joe vs. The Volcano II

Howie and I went to see Club Dread this afternoon. As you know, I thought that Broken Lizard's other movie, Super Troopers, was God's gift to the big screen. Unfortunately, Club Dread blows. Hot girls, but the rest of the movie is reminiscent of Toys with Robin Williams... total shit. The best part of the movie is when Brittany Daniel feigns an orgasm and says, "Fuck me." That's it. If you've got to see it, don't waste the $7, wait until stupid people buy it and dig through their garbage because that's where it will end up. Huge disappointment. I'm depressed.

Peace.

Cutest Engineer Ever

It would seem to me that wading through this blog and reading all the senseless bullshit to uncover my futile attempt at humor could, in some cases, be a laborious task. For that reason, I have tried to keep things fairly short and sweet while attempting to maintain the highest quality of content (yeah right!), and would not typically link to another blog. But this blog by Carrie in San Francisco is soooo worth the price of admission. "Generation X" is out.... What you talkin' 'bout Willis!

Peace.

School House Rocks!

A strange scenario came to me this morning as I struggled to squeeze out my daily deuce (like Einstein, I do some of my best work on the jon). Okay. It's 2 am, January 12, 1887, you live in Montana, it's -25 degrees outside, and you have giardia. How does that work? How do you run to the outhouse in that kind of weather in the middle of the night? I'm convinced, in those cases, people just slept in a pile of their own feces (or, in the case of severe diarrhea, a puddle). There is no way that I would go out there knowing that I'll have to growl again before I get back to the house. Huh uuuh.

Just a thought.

BTW. I just received the CD box set and DVD for Schoolhouse Rocks! yesterday. 4 CD's and 2 DVD's containing every song and every clip they ever made. WOW! (interjection) I love that shit.

Walk with me for a minute down memory lane....
Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your adverbs here
3 it's the Magic Number
Conjunction Junction what's your function
5, 10 , 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50... 100 - Here I come.
Electricity, electricity
Zero my Hero, such a funny little hero
Simply unpack your adjectives
Mr. Morton is the subject of my sentence, and what the predicate says he does
I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill, and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill

Peace.

Thought you would get a kick out of this...

The end of the world.

Peace.

This one time, at band camp...

No really, it was my freshman year at college and my roommate and I were on our way to the first drumline party of the year. If I remember correctly, it was about a week before fall classes actually started, and all of the old FDL (Florida Drum Line) alum's were invited. These people were professional partiers. I was in the EPD (Early Party Development) stage and these guys were instructors.

Anyway, Matt (my roommate) and I showed up at the party. Things were just beginning to kick off and we headed for the keg.

Fast forward 1/2 an hour (because either nothing of consequence happened, or I was too drunk to remember). Kevin shows up with some bottles of 8-Ball (Old English 800) malt liquor. I do vaguely remember drinking out of that 40 oz bottle.

Fast forward 2 hours (same reason). The alum's have me lying upside down on the stairs, pouring upside down margaritas down my throat. Over, and over, and over again. That's the last thing I remember about the party.

Approximately noon the next day: The sound of the veins pounding in my ears wakes me up. I'm in my bed, in my dorm room, fully dressed in the same clothes I had on the night before, shoes and all. After a few quick investigational phone calls, I find out that one of the FDL guys drove me home, and my truck is still in the apartment complex where the party was. Now, I am so hung over that it hurts to think. I felt like I was going to barf, but it would hurt too much to do so. I decide that I better ride my bike out there and get my truck, and I convince Matt to come along with the promise that I'll take him to the grocery store on the way back.

A half and hour later, we're at the truck, and 10 minutes after that, I'm pulling into Publix parking lot. We swung into a little sandwich shop next to Publix to grab some lunch before we went shopping. I ordered, but could not touch my sandwich for fear of projectile vomiting. I did, however, drink all of a 44 oz Coke.

We headed next door to the grocery store and first thing I did was stop and the Coke machine and got something else to drink (did I mention was dehydrated?). As we were walking up and down the isles, I was feeling worse and worse. We got the medication section and I grabbed a bottle of Pepto and chugged half of it before putting it into the cart.

Feeling no better, we made our way into the produce section. Matt was picking out apples while I was busy feeling like shit. At one point, my mouth began watering profusely and I said, "Dude, I really feel horrible." Matt flashed a quick look my way. Then he did a double take. "GO!! GO NOW!!!" he yelled pointing towards the front of the store. It did not register at first what he was talking about, but very quickly I realized what he was referring to. I took about 3 quick steps, whipped around, grabbed one of those clear produce bags that you put fruit in, took 2 more steps, and then...

Luckily, I got that bag opened in time. There I sat, next to the tomatoes yacking my brains out into a clear bag. People in the store were disgusted, and rightly so. My puke was brown and pink from the Coke and Pepto. Nice. After I filled it up half way, I tied the bag in a knot, and debated putting it in the cart. Instead, I neatly set it in the corner by the storage area doors. Some poor guy probably picked it up later wondering what it was. What a surprise he must have gotten.

Moral of the story: If your going to puke in a grocery store, make sure you do it in the produce section.



Peace.

Well whaddaya know...

No shit!

Peace.

Wear your seat belt. It's the law.

Ouch!

Peace.

Dickhead

That's what you get for passing out in front of your friends.

Peace.

Fact: It took $237.94 to get Jen toasted at Casa Tua.

There once was a woman named Jen
'Twas her 23rd birthday, again
She went out, she got pissed
And the whole bar she kissed
We forgive her, so help us, amen

There are pictures to back this up....

Peace.

Yeah, this really happened.

Some of you may not know this, but I was engaged when I was 25 to a girl named C (short for Cheryl, to continue our quest for total anonymity). She was a nurse and had just recently moved in with her folks while she was in the process of looking for a new apartment. I used to spend quite a bit of time over at the house. Her parents would let me stay over because it was about an hour drive back to where I was living, which was nice.

Anyway, during a recent canoe trip I had inadvertently got a nasty dose of giardia (the first of three times), unbeknownst to me, and the symptoms were just starting to show up. Now, if any of you have ever had giardia, you can understand when I say that it is the most miserable sickness I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing. It's a bacterial parasite that gave me diarrhea so bad, that literally, I had to live on the toilet for 2 weeks. My ass was so sore, it hurt to blink. So as I said before, the symptoms were just beginning. I was, unfortunately, at work when my intestines started feeling like they were in a hydraulic press, and I had no idea what it was at the time. I thought maybe I got a hold of a bad break truck burrito, so I kept working as much as I could between trips to the Port-O-Let.

Well, when I left work I headed straight to C's place. I was really feeling like hell, running a fever, sick to my stomach, headache, my ass was sore, etc. When I walked in the door, C said, "How was your day?" At that point, I began telling her of my numerous trips to the shitter and my ass chafage. She suggested a bath, and that sounded like a great idea, so I made my way to the bathroom with C in tow. She said, "Give me your clothes and I'll put them in the washer." So she stood in the doorway as I turned on the bath water and began to get undressed. First, I sat on the toilet, pulled off my socks, and handed them to C. Then, off comes the shirt. Next, I stood up took off my belt, and yanked my pants and underwear down at the same time. Right about the time my boxer briefs hit my ankles, I was bent over and got a good look inside my drawers. I was horrified to see a good quarter inch thick, 2 inch wide, 4 inch long skid mark in the shape of my ass crack just lying in my underpants. Not really all that big of a deal, except when I looked up, C was staring bug eyed, mouth open in disbelief at the flat turd in my unmentionables. After a second or two, C began laughing hysterically and said, "Well no wonder you were chafed... you've been carrying around a pound and a half of shit in your pants!!!" Thank God she was a nurse and got a good laugh out of it.

Moral of the story: When you've got the squirts, always, and I mean always, get undressed alone.

All I can say is, you were warned when you got here that there was a good chance things would end up in the toilet.



Peace.

Limerix...

There once was a woman for Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling
'Til some bastard named Boris
Once touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling

There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
Well he did admit
That it smelled like shit
But think of the money he saved

Heh heh. Peace.

Things must be bad for The Muppets.

This story first broke at boortz.com. ***Warning- This picture is not suitable for those easily offended or small children.*** Miss Piggy Revealed.



Peace.

SHOUT!

Listen to the Dean-Gore Shout Mega Mix courtesy of Psycho and Neal Boortz.



Peace.

Don't let this happen to you.

That sucks.



Peace.

How Do Ya Like Them Apples? -The Sequel.

So after we left The Cottonwood, we headed down the street to a little bar called Rafters. Needless to say, we should have gotten in a taxi and went back to the Scottish Inn, because we were hammered. H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D. We walked in, quickly claimed the short leg of the L-shaped bar, and continued torturing our livers when I noticed a couple of hot college chicks sitting across from us at the bar. I was checking them out and saw that they were talking to a large flannel clad figure with his back to me. Then, I realized, they were checking me out too. So I, being of unsound mind, began making funny faces at them. The girls would laugh and Paul Bunyan would whip around and look at me, as I was looking around pretending to be totally unaware of any of it. This went on for, oh, 15 minutes or so, when Daniel Boone got up and left. I grabbed my buddy Mark and said, "Dude, check out those chicks over there. Come be my wingman." So we shuffled over and introduced ourselves. Literally, not 2 minutes later, John Boy walked up. I guess I was not paying enough attention... he must have been in the shitter. Anyway, I looked up at him and said, "Hey man, is this your girlfriend?" "Yeah," he grumbled as he puffed up his chest. "Whew! That's a relief... 'cause I saw you staring at me from across the bar bra, and I thought you wanted me to give you the stiff-one-eye," I quipped. Snapshot: Me- sitting on a bar stool with a cruel smirk on my face, Mark- on the floor laughing so hard that he was completely and utterly useless, the girls- laughing so hard one was falling off of her bar stool and the other was squirting beer out of her nose, and Jethro, standing there in his flannel (and I could swear he had on one of those orange hunting hats with the ear flaps, but I'm not sure) turning red from embarrassment and anger. Now what would you have done in Andre the Giant's position? I would have hit me, but he decided that he could turn the whole thing around with one clever remark. Unfortunately for him, he yelled, "I'll give you a stiff-one-eye!" for all the bar to hear. The bar went quiet, and you already know what my reply was.... "I bet you would dude, but I'm not gay. Thanks for the offer though." Snapshot: Me- satisfied smile, Mark- peeing himself, hot chicks- hyperventilating, bar patrons- laughing in chorus, Chewbacca- defeated in his flannel and overalls. Poor Wookiee.

Moral of the story: After banging your nuts on the front window of a crowded bar, you can make anyone you want look like an idiot.



Drink up, and stay tuned.

Peace.

Best obscure movie quote ever.

"If he tries to pay me with tortillas, I'll shoot him right in the eye." -Clint Eastwood in Two Mules for Sister Sarah when asked if a man in Mexico would pay a reward in gold



Peace.

Note to my family, friends, and neighbors:

So I was surfing the internet this morning, and out of sheer curiosity, I typed in www.nsa.gov and ended up at the National Security Agency's web site. They had an Employment Opportunities section so I went ahead and applied for a job as an Intelligence Analyst online. I don't know if they have room for a construction superintendent in an intelligence position, but I figured what the hell. So if you see a black Suburban with a blacked out windows hanging around your house (or mine), or following you down the road, don't sweat it. I'm sure that they are just checking out all of my friends and family to make sure that I'm on the up and up. If you know me, and you are secretly in a sleeper cell for Al Qaeda, heed this warning: you better head for Afghanistan you traitor because the NSA is on your tail. Loser.

So, if I disappear for a while, this post mysteriously gets deleted from my web site, and you hear that I joined the circus, keep this info on the down low. Mums the word, cause I'm working as a secret agent for the NSA. Wish me luck.



Peace.

Backwoods...

Years ago when a man wanted a good cigar, he'd roll his own. Those cigars didn't look that refined, but they sure tasted mild. Now you can enjoy the same kind of smoke with Backwoods. We take all natural filler tobacco which is selected for mildness. Then we roll it in gentle-tasting Connecticut Broadleaf, a dark tobacco that is aged for at least 12 months to bring out its Mild 'n Natural taste. We make them like they used to. Backwoods. Mild 'n Natural cigars.

Amen.

I know, I know....

It seems I have a responsibility now to my fans to make sure there is some new content everyday. I got some phone calls bitching that I had no new posts today. Well, here you go. Oh, and I had to take that Janet and Justin GIF off because it was making me feel like I was going to have a seizure.

Nothing exciting happened today, so I'll tell you a short story about a guy I met on a fishing trip a few weeks ago.

So, I'm on this trip with my boss and a couple guys from work. We got invited by a vendor that we do business with, along with another couple of guys who buy their product. Anyway, it's the first night out at this fish camp and we're all getting pretty liquored up sitting around the fire pit. Well, one of the head dudes that invited us (who was in his sixties) out of the blue said, "Yeah, my foreskin got infected when I was 35 and I ended up having to go ahead and get circumcised." HUH?! Weren't we just talking about fishing?! "Doc said it was from the soap I was using." MAN!! COME ON!! "It was pretty sore for a while. My wife was not all that happy about it." THAT'S IT!!! I'm leaving. Anyone, need a drink? I think everyone but the X-hooded guy got up an left for a while.

Strange, but true. I don't necessarily believe the soap thing though, cause I've washed mine pretty damn thoroughly over the years. Although, I was clipped as a child (thank you Lord).

Anyway, tune in tomorrow. I'll find something to write about.

Peace.

FYI

I saw this and had to post it... Janet and Justin!

If you have any questions, comments, gripes, or praises, please click on the "Email FunkyBone" link under the "Contact Us" heading in the links column. It should open up your default email program so now you can send me some feedback.

Peace.

How do ya like them apples?

Alright, the moment you have all been waiting for is here. True story.

Do any of you remember the movie Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck? It was a popular movie at the time of this incident. Remember the phone number scene through the window at the bar? Keep that in the back of your mind.

After a week of hiking on Mt. Rogers in Virginia, four of my buddies and I stopped to party for a night in Boone, NC before we headed home. We checked into the Scottish Inn, showered up, and headed out at about 4 pm to get a jump on the college students. In Boone, you can not buy booze (only beer and wine) so we headed to The Cottonwood, the towns only brewery. It's a nice place with a bar, restaurant, and outdoor seating (it was too cold to be outside though) in front of gigantic windows that stretch from the sidewalk to the roofline.

One would assume that we were drinking beer by the pint, but The Cottonwood also sells what is called a "growler" (I know, makes me want to drop a deuce too). A growler is a 1 liter bottle with a resealable swing top (like a Grolsch bottle) full of fresh brewed beer. Yummy. So my buddies and I were drinking growlers of Low Down Brown and IPS when we started talking to these two chicks at the bar. They were cool, and before you knew it we were telling jokes and laughing with everyone that was in the bar area, about 30 or so people. This went on for a couple of hours, and the more we drank, the louder we got. Things came to a head when I said to the crowd, now 50 strong, "Why did the blonde take her vibrator back to the sex shop?" "WHY?!" the intoxicated mob yelled. "Cause it was chipping her teeth!" I screamed back. Everyone at the bar lost it and during the ensuing laughter, the manager came up to me and threatened to throw us out if we did not keep it down. By this time though, it was about 8 pm and we had gone through quite a few growlers. I proceeded to tell him what I thought of that idea, and then waved to the crowd and said, "Let's get the fuck out of here," at which time about 35 of us headed out the door to go down the road to Rafters (which is the scene of another story I will share sometime). Just as I made it out onto the patio, I unzipped my pants, grabbed the base of my scrotum, started banging my nuts, ring first, against the window out front yelling, "How do ya like them apples?!" in my best drunken Bostonian accent. Needless to say, the people inside were just utterly horrified, and the 35 people outside were laughing so hard one guy puked in the bushes. OK, maybe it was the Stout, but who knows.

Now, I kind of feel guilty about this stunt, although it was hysterically funny, because the last thing that I would want to see while I was taking a bite out of my chicken breast is another man's pierced ball sac banging against a window. Some of you may find that hard to believe, but it's true. Really.

That was our last visit to The Cottonwood Brewery. No, not because we were banned, but because it closed down soon after we left town. We're not sure if the nut prints on the glass had anything to do with it.

Peace.

You say it's your birthday... It's my birthday too, yeah.

Well, I know it's only just started, but I have already received some of the gifts on my list. Howie got me Q-tips and Ma got me taco powder. Oh yeah baby, I'm on a roll now! Gustav and Jen were first to call to wish me a happy birthday at about 8:30 am. I foresee a busy day in my future.

Back to the grindstone.

Peace.

You won't believe this...

Looky here (hint: 3rd). Guess we're moving up in the rankings!!

Thanks to everyone that's come to check out FunkyBone. As I promised, I'm working on my next "AT's Life" story. You will not be dissappointed.

I'll keep you posted.

Peace.

Tomorrow's my birthday... na na na na na na!

For those of you who did not know, and those who tend to forget, tomorrow is my birthday. Please contact me via e-mail if you need my address. I'm certain that most of you are wondering what to get me, so I have composed a list of items to make it easy for you. The list is as follows:

-Cruise through the Mediterranean Sea
-A pitcher of Bud Light at Burton's
-Round trip airfare to Las Vegas w/ $1000 cash for gambling
-$5.00 worth of songs and a Crown & Coke at Nancy's
-Expedition to Base Camp 1 at Mount Everest
-A number 3 at Chick-Fil-A, value sized, with a lemonade
-Diving/hiking trip to Costa Rica
-Q-tips
-427 Shelby Cobra
-Super Troopers DVD
-Angelina Jolie
-6 pack of Miller High Life
-Trip to Hedonism III
-2 hours at XS Orlando
-La-Z-Boy Matinee home theater set-up for the living room
-Big Head Todd and the Monsters, Monster's Live CD
-BS in Computer Science (tuition, books, off campus housing, and beer money)
-Taco powder

This was much harder than I anticipated. Of course I don't expect all of these things, maybe half. =0)_)

Now, I know a lot of people whose birthdays' are in February and I would like to save us all some time by sending out a blanket "Happy Birthday" to everyone. I know, I know, it seems kinda cheesy but what's a guy to do?

Keep your eyes peeled. New AT's Life story coming soon.

Peace.

Supplies!!!

Justin Timberlake "accidently" ripped off part of Janet Jackson's outfit at the end of the Super Bowl half time show. Here's the story, with pics, video, and all. What the hell kind of nipple ring is that?!

Super Bowl Sunday

Hey man? What are YOU doing for the Super Bowl, hmmm? Well, if you are reading this, and know where I live, you are more than welcome to come over to my place and watch the big game in high definition on a 50" plasma TV. For all of you who don't know where my place is... that sucks for you. We are having some peeps over for a BBQ/game watching/beer drinking party... and you are invited. BYOB. We have plenty of room and it promises to be a good time. Come on over if you can make it.

I ran through some news sites earlier today for some interesting and unbelievable stories to link too, but I guess all the crazies took the weekend off for Super Bowl. So you're on you own.

FYI, Super Troopers is on HBO right now. If you haven't seen this movie, you really need to rent it. If you were at the Halloween Party, you would recognize the costume Howie wore.... the Bear Fucker. One of the greatest movies of our time. Also, the group that made the movie, Broken Lizard, is coming out with a new movie soon. I don't remember the name at this time, well, hold a minute... here's the link. It's called Club Dread, and I for one, can't wait to see it. And the best part is, Brittany Daniel is in it (you may remember her as the really, really hot chick from Joe Dirt). Ohhhh, Brittany.... skleet, skleet.

So Howie and I were practicing some of our patented WWF moves last night, when Howie got me in the pile driver, dropped me, and split my head open. He felt so bad he wanted to take me to the hospital (man the scalp really bleeds a lot) for some stitches. I refused, cause I'm a tough guy, and we just put some liquid stitch in it to hold it together. No permanent damage. Thank God I got a good eye rake on him before he picked me up. Heh heh.

I got another good story coming up this week, so stay tuned.

Peace.