I think you made the right decision Pop.

So I call my pop last night to find out whether or not he's going to kill me over FunkyBone, and I think he actually thought it was pretty funny. I did ask him if he was going to let Mom see, he said no, and I must agree. I think you made a good move there Pop. Thanks.

More later.

Peace.

Facelift

As you can see I've done a little tweaking and updated the site a bit. I hope you find it more visually stimulating/appealing. Damned thing was only up for a day and I'm already having to spend time fixing it. Son of a...

Now, I know that some of you can really appreciate this. You won't believe what happened to me today. Lemme preface this by saying that I have been debating whether or not to share this little endeavor with my folks. I really don't want to censor anything I'm posting here, so it'll get kinda sticky if I let them in on it. You know, you really don't want your mom reading a post that starts off, "So I was fucking this midget, right?" I MEAN COME ON! My mom would lop off my nad-sac, ring and all. That said, I get a call from my pop today and he wants to meet me for lunch. Cool. I drive out to Sonny's and meet him at the table. First thing he does is hand me a card and a pencil, smirks, and says, "Write down the address of this website you've got." WTF?! Son of a bitch! I guess I don't have an option now! All I could do is tell him read it alone and then make the call about Mom. (Hey Ma, if you are reading this, sorry about the midget thing. I really needed to drive my point home with shock value. I hope you understand. And no I have never slept with a midget, well.... naw, she was just short.)

Turns out, Nolie tells Alex to read the, "Where the hell you been puttin' it?" post. Great story, right? But Alex doesn't believe it's true so Nolie tells him to ask my pop about it. B-L-A-M !!! I'm busted...

Well, I'm going to keep on as planned. My parents already know what a weird cat I am anyway, so if they can stomach the language and sexual overtones, they will be fine. If not, they'll just have to ask the Magic 8-Ball for guidance before each visit.

Peace.

The Godfather of Soul

Mugshot

It wasn't me. It was the one armed man!

That's disgusting...

Exploding whale ass

You think it stank much? I'd hate to be the one who had to clean that mess!

Break Truck Burrito

Here's a little background on this song for all that aren't familiar with it. The Break Truck (AKA, roach coach or shit wagon) is a catering service that comes by the jobsite usually twice a day, at break and lunch time. Typically, the items on the truck barely classify as edible and include sodas, Twinkies, burritos, candy bars, chips, shepherds pie, soy bean burgers, hot dogs, hot wings, vienna sausages, and other various severely over-processed foodstuffs.

Enjoy.

I was at the site one day
When break time rolled around
I undid my buckle
And I laid my tool pouch down
Went to the break truck
To see what I could see
A break truck burrito
Was staring back at me

Chorus:
It was a break truck burrito
They always give me gas
A break truck burrito
It'll tear out your ass
If you have one I hope you don't
Have your good drawers on
Tell the foreman I'll be back in a while
I'm going to the Porta-Jon

I snached up that greasy burrito
And chowed that fucker down
Not ten minutes later
My gut made an awful sound
I could feel the loose stool brewing
Deep inside of me
Thought it was gas but I learned my lesson
When I filled up my BVD's

(Chorus)

Now you may think this story
Really isn't true
But if you did my laundry
You'd believe it too
Those break truck burritos
Aren't made with meat and beans
They fill them up with colon cleanse
To make you shit your jeans

(Chorus)

Tell the foreman I'll be back in a while
I'm going to the Porta-Jon
Tell the foreman I'll be back in a while
I'm going to the Porta-Jon

-Written, composed, and performed by AT
(© copyright 1997)

Keep your eyes open for my recently released CD at Peaches. It includes 13 different versions of BTB. There's country, funk, rock, punk, folk, r&b, reggae, indie, bluegrass, techno, big band, jazz, and fusion versions... ALL TOGETHER ON ONE CD!! As an added bonus, the CD can be cut and sharpened into your own custom-made Chinese throwing star! Order today and you will get a free set of Ginsu press on nails, manufactutred by the world famous Ginsu company of Trenton, NJ. Sharp enough to cut through the armor on this M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tank! AMAZING!

Don't forget to add this page to your favorites, and if you have any requests or ideas for material you would like to see on FunkyBone.... go out and get your own damned web site and post it there! LOL :P

Thanks for your patronage...

Peace.

Just an update...

Man it was cold this morning. I had to tie a string to my pecker so that I could get it out to pee. That scared turtle does not like the chill of 35 degree weather.

Thank God I got to pour some concrete today. Downside: I'm nearly out of things to pour. Oh well. It won't be long before I am on another job, starting all over again.

I've decided to post the words to my world famous song, Break Truck Burrito. That coming up later today if I have time. If not, it will be tomorrow for sure.

I want to give a shout out to some of my homies that have visited, or will be visiting us here at FunkyBone. Fish, Top, Nolie, Syphi, Dag, 3, and PC... my nigruhz. And to A,B,B, & C... love and miss you guys.

Be sure and check back soon.

Peace.

Where the hell you been puttin' it?

Ok, ok. I had a pretty uneventful day at work with the exception of a couple of meetings, and that leaves me nothing to blog about. So, TA-DA... you get an AT story for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.

This tale is rooted in the blossoming sexuality of my youth. I was 17 years old, a junior in high school, and I had just recently lost my virginity to a girl (we will just call her S [short for Sandi] for anonymity) that I had been dating. So, S and I had been spending quite a bit of time doing the nasty as we were exploring our new found intimacy. As, I'm sure, most young and inexperienced teens, I had heard of all the horrible and incurable STD's. Herpes, syphilis, AIDS, the clap, crabs, etc. were all a very real threat in my mind. Anyway, approximately two weeks after I had lost my virginity, I woke-up one Saturday morning after an evening romping with S, and headed to the bathroom for my usual morning pee. Eyes half closed, I relieved myself and gave the ole guy a shake when I suddenly noticed a small scab on the helmet. Panic set in immediately. I just knew for sure that I had inadvertently picked up some wicked funk from S. I turned and sat on the toilet, wondering what to do. I had to get to the doctor. I had just started having sex, and I liked it. I couldn't retire already, no matter the cost. So, I marched into the kitchen where my mom was cooking breakfast and before she could even utter good morning, I said, "Hey Mom, look at this," as I tugged my boyhood out of my shorts. At the time, the embarrassment seemed a small price to pay for my future sexual encounters. After a stomach wrenching gasp, Mom said, "You better go show your father." Pops was out back mowing the grass, and I strolled out, Mom in tow, and coaxed him to pullover and shut the mower off. Again, I reached into my shorts and pulled out my goods and said, "Pop, look." He took a good, long look and then slowly raised his eyes up to meet mine. Calmly, he said in his classic Arkansas accent, "Well, where the hell you been puttin' it?" "Nowhere," I stuttered. "Boy, don't lie to me!" he said forcefully, while poking me in the chest with his broomstick diameter sized finger. "In Sandi," I shamefully answered. Now, as I sat wallowing in my own embarrassment, both of my parents were contemplating the ramifications of my sexual activities. After what seemed an eternity, my pop said, "Well, let's give it a week and if it's still there, we'll go and see the doctor." Yikes.

Now, the really funny part of this story is this. After leaving my folks in the backyard, I slipped into the house and called S. Believe it or not, between the two of us we figured out where that little scab came from. Turns out, we had not had sex the previous evening because Aunt Flo was in town. There was plenty of fooling around though, and that's where the answer lay. Thinking back, we realized that she had gotten a little rough and given me Indian rug burn on my willie. Hence the scab. Son-of-a....

Nothing like being 17, showing both your parents your genitals, and telling them that you have been poking your girlfriend, all in the span of 2 minutes on a Saturday morning, FOR NOTHING. Good way to ruin a perfectly good weekend, huh? But can you imagine how S felt the next time she came over to house? Heh, heh. I learned my lesson. Moral of the story: Don't show anyone your genitals unless you are absolutely certain that you have an STD. =o)_)

More of AT's life to follow.

Peace.

You gotta check out Happy Pimpin...

HappyPimpin.com

Peace.

It has begun.

Damn it man. I still have not even started creating FunkyBone.com. I do, however, have the domain nailed down. Blogger.com will have to be my temporary posting spot until I can get my server set up. Either way...

Welcome to FunkyBone. The life, times, and adventures of a regular guy..... in a pimp suit. I am that regular guy, AT, and for our first session, we will be interviewing a hip dude who calls himself HeRpeS. HeRpeS is a video game junkie and is one of the elites that plays Halo on XBConnect.com. Not to mention, he's one of my homies.

AT- So HeRpS, how did you come up with the name?

HeRpeS- Well, it kinda started as a joke. During Halo game play, when your character kills someone, a message appears on the screen telling that person who killed them. For instance, if I kill a dude online it will say, "You were killed by HeRpeS." My buddies and I thought it was funny, so we started playing with names like Herpes and Syphilis. After a while, we had reps and decided to keep the names, even though I see kids online copying us quite often.

A- Does that bother you?

H- Not really. People know now when they are playing the real HeRpeS.

A- How often do you play Halo?

H- (Laughs) Too often. I play nearly every day now, but it goes through spurts. Sometimes I won't play at all for a week or more.

A- We hear that you and Syphi are some really bad men when it comes to multi-player. Is that truly the case?

H- We typically do pretty well. (Smiles) We can hold our own, let's leave it at that.

A- Well thank you HeRpS for coming by the studio today. I sure enjoyed hearing from you and I'm sure the fans did too. We all look forward to next time.

H- Thanks AT. It was nice being here. See you next time.

Well peeps, that's all the time we have for now, but don't fret none. I will be back later with news, site updates, and here in the next few posts I will be sharing some of "AT's Life: Greatest Hits." So add this web address to your favorites and check in often, 'cause you don't want to miss that.

Peace out.